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Starting School - Supporting Children with Big Emotions.

The transition of starting school, or even going back to school, can take some children a little while to settle. Children who are more sensitive, those who are neurodivergent and who struggle with separation, might take longer to feel safe and trust new people.

Big emotions are to be expected and can range from excitement and happiness to apprehension, sadness and anxiety. It is important we support and prepare our children as best we can, which is why we are so pleased to be working with Parenting and Education Coach, Kate Steer, who is the founder of @nurturedchildhood. Kate’s background includes a degree in Child Psychology and 14 years as a primary teacher. She is passionate about supporting parents and now works as a coach offering parents 1:1 advice as well as online workshops.

Here are her top expert tips for supporting children with the school transition:

1. Validate your child’s feelings and create opportunities for them to talk through their emotions, especially if they are nervous or anxious about starting or returning to school.


We want our children to know that they can talk to us about how they are feeling, and that being nervous about something new is very normal and not something to hide. It is good to be positive about school when talking to your child, but be careful that this doesn’t invalidate how they are feeling. For example, ‘Don’t be silly, you will be fine once you get there’, ‘You are okay, it will be so fun at school’, ‘Of course you will make lots of friends’. We don’t know for certain that they will have fun, or be fine, so it is always best to validate how they feel, let them know you have heard them and perhaps discuss if there is anything you can to do help.
‘I hear that you are nervous about starting school, that makes sense as it is something new and different. What can I do to help it feel easier in your body? Perhaps we could practise wearing your uniform and walking the route to school. Or maybe we could look at the photo of your teacher and write a note to let them know how you are feeling. Do you think that might help?’ This will be important after school as well, if they come home saying they have had a ‘rubbish day’. Try not to rush in to fixing their feelings, but create space to hold their emotions and let them feel heard.


2. One of the most comforting messages we can give our children is that we are connected to them, even when we are apart.

There are many ways you can remind your child of your love during the school day, and remind them that even when apart we carry the love of each other with us. Allow your child to take you to school with them, so you are ‘together while apart’. They might like to take familiar items to school or things that will remind them that you are thinking of them during the day. This might be a photograph to keep in their tray, a little note or love heart in their lunch box or a toy from home to help with the transition. Another idea that might help is to draw a heart on both of your hands before school, and then charge your hearts together. That way they will feel connected to you throughout the school day. You could also do a similar thing with a kiss on their hand, which they can feel during the day if they are missing you. This comes from the beautiful story ‘The Kissing Hand’ which is one of the stories I recommend to families I support with school transitions.


3. Create a little goodbye ritual that you practise at home before school, like a mantra.

This will help your child to feel safe and trust that you will be coming back for them. You might include when you will be picking them up, so that they have a connection point for your return. For example, ‘Mummy will be picking you up today right after snack time’. Allow time for your child to share their sadness or feelings with you at drop off, and if you need to stay longer for this to happen then do not be afraid to advocate for your child’s needs. For some children it might be easier to settle them into the classroom before saying goodbye, and for others it might be easier to say goodbye outside. It is very important that you do say goodbye to your child – do not allow other adults to ‘distract them while you disappear’. This will create lots of uncertainty for your child and might make them feel less safe at school – ‘Why did Mummy just disappear and not say goodbye? She never usually does that, and it doesn’t feel nice’. Try not to create any negative associations with school drop offs, always make sure you have time to properly say goodbye to your child before you leave.

Separation anxiety is very common for children with more sensitive temperaments, and neurodivergent children. If your child struggles with separation and you find that starting school is becoming very challenging, then please get in touch and we can create a plan and talk through the bits your child is finding most tricky and how the school are responding to that. I am happy to help prepare a gentle transition plan for anyone before school starts too. And don’t forget that your child does not need to be in school until the term after they turn 5. This is known as Compulsory School Age, and can help support a more gentle and gradual/part-time transition
if this would best suit your child. A more gradual transition also helps children to build up a relationship with the adults in school, which ultimately will support a happier and more settled separation.


Books that I recommend for Starting School and supporting separation:

If you would like some 1:1 support and advice from Kate, she would love to help. Get in touch by email kate.nurturedchildhood@gmail.com or send her a message on Instagram @nurturedchildhood. Check out Kate's instagram page for lots more brilliant parenting content and support.